The Wisdom of A Cowboy

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find
himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,
faded jeans and a cowboy hat.

Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport
of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you
strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right.
What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I' don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm,, "how about
nuclear proliferations?"



"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him,
"that could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first
-- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff --- grass. Yet, a deer
passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes
muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "how is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?"

You know, although humorous, this sort of sums up a lot in the world.

Related Tags: Laughter, funny, funny jokes, jokes, humor, funny humor

And God Said

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman? "

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam,as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river and over the hill,into the cave,and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said



*



*



*


"What's a headache?"

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Two men from Texas were driving through Wyoming when they got

Two men from Texas were driving through Wyoming when they got
pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks
him in the head with his nightstick

"What the hell was that for," the driver asked?

"You're in Wyoming , son," the trooper answered. "When we pull
you over in Wyoming , you better have your license ready by the time we
get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer!" the driver said, "I'm from Texas and
didn't know your laws here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and
gives the guy his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on
the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper
smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for," the passenger demands?"
Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true," the passenger asked?

"Because I know all about you Texas people," the trooper says.
"Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy here and say,
'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'
Related Tags: joke, jokes, humor, laugh, funny jokes

Notes By Parents

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district...

(Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXC! USE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it!)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. (You know, this could be legit!)

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO, GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. (I absolutely LOVE that one!)

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

** NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS**

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Can You Take Your Own Advise

A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the homeowner's wife to the bed, then gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Related Tags: Jokes, Humor, Laughter, funny, funny jokes

A Valuable Lesson

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob
says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Male and Female Word Definition

WORD FOR MALE AND FEMALE


Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and
Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is
every
night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Related Tags: Joke, Women, Men, Comedy, Humor

Bubba

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,

"Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies

fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants
fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all
them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she
was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he
gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin’. . What I want to know is, kin I sue

Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Leroy and Missy

Leroy and missy were riding down the hi-way on Leroy’s Motorcycle, Leroy had long hair and it was blowing tickling Missy’s face.

Leroy was riding going fast about 80 mph, when missy said Leroy! Leroy couldn’t hear her.

He kept going faster, missy said Leroy! Leroy I am cold, Leroy just kept riding, Missy reaches up and just whops Leroy beside the head, and Leroy stops the Motorcycle, turns around and said what!
Missy says I am cold.

Now Leroy is a thinker so he says I know.
He takes her leather jacket off and turns the jacket around backwards, flips the collar up, looks at missy and says you won’t be cold no more.

Leroy gets back up to about 80 mph and all of a sudden he hits something and crashes.

Here comes the Police, walking up saying, what is going on here what happened to these folks, A little boy standing over by the way side says, mister Leroy was killed out right, but Missy was ok till we tried to turn her head around.

The Drunk and the Preacher

The Drunk and the Preacher
One day the good Reverend was driving down this back road, when he come up behind a drunk, the preacher thinks well I will just ride back here for a bit then pass him, the drunk would go from one side of the road to the other.
The preacher thought, good lord, this person is drunk I had better go around him.

Well the preacher would take off and try to pass and the drunk would move over to the preachers side, the preacher would drop back, after a while the preacher gets very frustrated, He just floors the gas pedal, takes off and crashes.

The drunk comes wobbling up to the preachers car, looks around and says are you ok preacher? The preacher responded; yes thank goodness the Good lord was riding with me.
The drunk looks at the preacher and says, preacher you had better let him ride with me, you are gonna kill him

Kids Are Funny 1

One day a little boy ask his sister, in a gruff voice he ask, hey sister how come I talk this way?
His sister answers, and says I don’t know you have to ask Mom.

So the little boy goes to the garage where his mom is changing the oil (in this day and time I didn’t want to put mom in the kitchen)in the family car, with a gruff voice he ask, hey mom how come I talk this way? His mom said I don’t know son maybe you should ask your Dad.

Well the Young boy goes to the Kitchen (yeah washing dishes) lol. He says to his Dad, Dad do you know how come I talk this way? His Dad says I am sorry son but I don’t know.
Well! Now the young boy is very disappointed, he goes out the front door walking down the sidewalk; he comes across the milkman delivering milk to his house,
HE ASK IN A GRUFF VOICE, Mr. Milkman do you know why I talk this way.

The milkman says to the little boy in a gruff voice, shut up boy, you trying to get me in trouble. lol

Kids are funny

The kids and I went fishing with Barbara (sister) and Macky (Brother in Law) in the Gulf of Mexico. Macky and Barbara went one way and we went the opposite.
After about 5 hours of trout fishing Macky realized we had drifted out of sight of each other,
Macky called on the marine radio and asked for our location, Irene my daughter who was only about 7 years old answered the call.
Irene looked all around and only saw water. Not able to fine another boat or landmark she replied.
“We are directly under the Sun"
Now that is true and funny.
Donald

Old men still think

An elderly farmer man in Florida had owned a large Orange grove for years.
In the back of the grove was a large Pond, he built picnic tables,a grill,and horseshoe courts, a very nice area. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some oranges.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing splashing of water.
As he came closer , he noticed a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the other end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man grined and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
I just came to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.


Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny

the school teacher was giving some of the young students an oral test,
First she ask the little boy in the front of the room, who signed the declaration of independence? He said I don't know teacher.
Then she asks the little girl in the middle of the class room, who signed the declaration of independence? The little girl said I don't know teacher.
Now it was little Johnny’s turn, who signed the declaration of independence? Little Johnny stood up stuck his thumbs in his belt and said I don't know and I don't give a damn.

The teacher said I am so disappointed; I will ask you again after recess.

After recess the teacher ask them again,
She asks the little boy in the front of the room, who signed the declaration of independence? The little boy said I don't know teacher.
She asks the little girl in the middle of the class room, who signed the declaration of independence? The little girl said I don't know teacher.
Then she ask little Johnny, who signed the declaration of independence? Little Johnny stood up stuck his thumbs in his belt and said I don't know and I don't give a damn.

The teacher looked at little Johnny and said I am surprised at your attitude, I want you to bring your father to class tomorrow.

The next day the teacher cam into class and there was little Johnny’s father sitting in the back of the class room.

She asks the little boy in the front of the room, who signed the declaration of independence? The little boy said I don't know teacher.
She asks the little girl in the middle of the class room, who signed the declaration of independence? The little girl said I don't know teacher.
Then she ask little Johnny, who signed the declaration of independence? Little Johnny stood up stuck his thumbs in his belt and said I don't know and I don't give a damn.

Little Johnny’s father stood up, walked over to where little Johnny was sitting, put his thumbs in his belt and said Johnny! Son If you signed that damn thing you better tell her right now...Lol

We Just Can't Read Your Mind

We always hear "the rules" from the female side of the house. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!



· Men are NOT mind readers.

· Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

· Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

· Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

· Crying is blackmail.

· Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

· Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

· Come to us with a problem only IF you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

· A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

· Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

· If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

· If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

· You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

· Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

· Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

· ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

· If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

· If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

· If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

· When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

· Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

· You have enough clothes.

· You have too many shoes.

· I am in shape. Round IS a shape!



Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Leroy the wrestler

Leroy the wrestler

One night, Leroy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Leroy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Leroy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Leroys's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Leroy was 50 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Leroy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 50 cents. Your kidding? Leroy replied, I thought you were after the three hundred dollars I've got my shoe!

Another Blind Man Joke

You have to love these kinda jokes.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?" The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

The Blind Man

A group of Nuns decide to paint the dormitory
The heat begin to be unbearable as they started to paint

One of the Nuns suggested that being they were all alone
that they should strip down to nothing so they would be cooler
the others agreed.
as they were painting the dormitory, the door bell rang, one of the Nuns
went to the door and ask, who is it? a male voice answered
The blind man.
They all looked at each other and said well! The blind man
Wouldn’t know if we had clothes on or not.
So they let him in, when he entered the room he ask...
Where do you want me to hang these blinds ladies...lol

Please Feel free to post a joke or somthing of humor, please keep it clean

True Story about Leroy

Leroy was a country boy, In fact we all were, anyway we
were all standing around one day, and an old man named Mr.
Meriwether walked by, Mr. Meriwether was very old and had
very poor sight, He was always walking down the road reading
something, problem was he held the book about 6 inches in
front of his face.

Now here is Mr. Meriwether here are 4-5 young boys looking
for something to do (trouble),
How it happened I am not sure but there was a dare put to
Leroy, and It went like this,
Leroy go over and grab Mr. Meriwether by the pant leg and
growl like a dog.

Not one us expected what happened next to happen,
Leroy was over and had Mr. Meriwether pant
cuffs in his mouth and Growling shaking and pulling, just
like a dog, all of us were laughing until Mr. Meriwether
just kicked out and kicked Leroy in the head, then we were
all on the ground rolling with laughter.

Here we were rolling on the ground laughing, here was Leroy
lying on the ground holding his head, and Mr. Meriwether
continuing his walk. I will never forget it