A Senior Moment

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 100 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal evenmore.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 120 mph, then 130, then 140. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

A Farmer Nmed Clyde

A Farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.

I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.

"Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.

He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the H*LL would you say

The White Man Did It Again

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.

"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough think he improve system like that."

Redneck Grill

Every redneck would love one of these

What Are Friends For

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch

Do you know what I think

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom, getting aggravated, replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

A Place For Women To Find Husbands

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sometimes we run across a story that just says something
Husband Superstore

Husband Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

Two Blond Girls

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick..."

Good chili

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an
old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.


After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely
asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"


The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best
cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."


Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and
starts
spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a
dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the
chili into the bowl.


The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
"

Technorati Tags: jokes, humor, funny, humorous

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Cussing

>>> A 6 yr old and a 4 yr old are upstairs in their bedroom.
>>>
>>>"You know what?" says the 6 yr old. "I think it's about time we start
>>>cussing."
>>>
>>>The 4 yr old nods his head in approval.
>>>
>>>The6 yr old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
>>>say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
>>>
>>>The 4 yr old agrees with enthusiasm.
>>>
>>>When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 yr old what he
>>>wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
>>>Cheerios."
>>>
>>>WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets

>>>up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit,
>>>slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and
>>>shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
>>>
>>>She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 yr old and asks with a
>>>stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>>>
>>>"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
>>>Cheerios."Related Tags: jokes,, funny, humor, funny jokes, humorous

Don't mess With Ole Farts

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print?
Related Tags: jokes, humor, funny, funny jokes

The Barber Shop

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked," How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said," About 2 hours" The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked," How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked," How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said," About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back" A little while later, Bill re-turned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked," So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house"
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Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the

waiting room, where their family member lay

gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said < / DIV>

as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed

the news. After a great length of time, someone

asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

T he doctor quickly responded, "5,000 for

a male brain, and 200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the

room tried not to smile, avoiding eye

contact with the women, but some

actually smirked. A man unable to control

his curiosity, blurted out the question

everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence

and explained to the entire group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the

female brains, because they've actually been used."


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THE SMART ONES OF 2006

AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE
Subject: THE SMART ONES OF 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a
rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman
called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at
the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
< ! /DIV>
I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the
airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on
the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the
paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America
, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this
bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After w
aiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America .
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and
a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He
imme diately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

__________________________________________________________ __________
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a
shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it
in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer
pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are
allowed to vote)
*******************************************************************************************************************
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:


I live in a semi-rural area. (probably
Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore."
>From Kingma n , KS

______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate
when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"
I replied, "If it w as without my knowledge, how
would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we
ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe
to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red.
Appalled, she responded , "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING :

At a good-bye luncheon for an old an d dear
coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager
commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not
another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office
no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announc ed to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton ,
Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!
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It is In How You Look At It

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yu firss time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give yu anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting yu want.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want try someting I hear about ... numbaa 69".

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ... "Yu want ... chicken wiff broccowee?!"
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A Christmas Gift

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.
For my sixty fifth Christmas this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club
for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my
college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other shit too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She
sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is
fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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