Cussing

>>> A 6 yr old and a 4 yr old are upstairs in their bedroom.
>>>
>>>"You know what?" says the 6 yr old. "I think it's about time we start
>>>cussing."
>>>
>>>The 4 yr old nods his head in approval.
>>>
>>>The6 yr old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
>>>say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
>>>
>>>The 4 yr old agrees with enthusiasm.
>>>
>>>When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 yr old what he
>>>wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
>>>Cheerios."
>>>
>>>WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets

>>>up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit,
>>>slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and
>>>shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
>>>
>>>She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 yr old and asks with a
>>>stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>>>
>>>"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
>>>Cheerios."Related Tags: jokes,, funny, humor, funny jokes, humorous

Don't mess With Ole Farts

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print?
Related Tags: jokes, humor, funny, funny jokes

The Barber Shop

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked," How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said," About 2 hours" The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked," How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked," How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said," About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back" A little while later, Bill re-turned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked," So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house"
Related Tags: jokes,, funny, humor, funny jokes, humorous

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the

waiting room, where their family member lay

gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said < / DIV>

as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed

the news. After a great length of time, someone

asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

T he doctor quickly responded, "5,000 for

a male brain, and 200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the

room tried not to smile, avoiding eye

contact with the women, but some

actually smirked. A man unable to control

his curiosity, blurted out the question

everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence

and explained to the entire group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the

female brains, because they've actually been used."


Related Tags: jokes, humor, funny jokes

THE SMART ONES OF 2006

AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE
Subject: THE SMART ONES OF 2006

Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a
rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman
called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at
the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
< ! /DIV>
I told her that she better bring her daughter
into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the
airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on
the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the
paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America
, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this
bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After w
aiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America .
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and
a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He
imme diately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

__________________________________________________________ __________
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a
shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it
in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then
ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer
pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are
allowed to vote)
*******************************************************************************************************************
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:


I live in a semi-rural area. (probably
Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore."
>From Kingma n , KS

______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate
when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?"
I replied, "If it w as without my knowledge, how
would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we
ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe
to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red.
Appalled, she responded , "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING :

At a good-bye luncheon for an old an d dear
coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager
commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not
another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office
no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announc ed to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton ,
Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!
Related Tags: Jokes, humor, funny, funny humor, joking

It is In How You Look At It

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yu firss time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give yu anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting yu want.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want try someting I hear about ... numbaa 69".

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries ... "Yu want ... chicken wiff broccowee?!"
Related Tags: humor, jokes, joking, humourous stories

A Christmas Gift

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.
For my sixty fifth Christmas this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club
for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my
college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other shit too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When
she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She
sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is
fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Related Tags: Humor, jokes, laughing, funny jokes

The Wisdom of A Cowboy

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find
himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,
faded jeans and a cowboy hat.

Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport
of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you
strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right.
What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I' don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm,, "how about
nuclear proliferations?"



"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him,
"that could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first
-- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff --- grass. Yet, a deer
passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes
muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "how is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?"

You know, although humorous, this sort of sums up a lot in the world.

Related Tags: Laughter, funny, funny jokes, jokes, humor, funny humor

And God Said

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman? "

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam,as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river and over the hill,into the cave,and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said



*



*



*


"What's a headache?"

Related Tags: Jokes, Laughter, funny Tickle, funny Jokes, humor, light humor

Two men from Texas were driving through Wyoming when they got

Two men from Texas were driving through Wyoming when they got
pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks
him in the head with his nightstick

"What the hell was that for," the driver asked?

"You're in Wyoming , son," the trooper answered. "When we pull
you over in Wyoming , you better have your license ready by the time we
get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer!" the driver said, "I'm from Texas and
didn't know your laws here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and
gives the guy his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on
the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper
smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for," the passenger demands?"
Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true," the passenger asked?

"Because I know all about you Texas people," the trooper says.
"Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy here and say,
'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'
Related Tags: joke, jokes, humor, laugh, funny jokes

Notes By Parents

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district...

(Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXC! USE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it!)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. (You know, this could be legit!)

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO, GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. (I absolutely LOVE that one!)

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

** NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS**

Related Tags: Jokes, parents, school, kids, humor, funny jokes, funny humor, humourous sayings

Can You Take Your Own Advise

A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the homeowner's wife to the bed, then gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Related Tags: Jokes, Humor, Laughter, funny, funny jokes

A Valuable Lesson

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob
says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Male and Female Word Definition

WORD FOR MALE AND FEMALE


Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and
Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is
every
night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Related Tags: Joke, Women, Men, Comedy, Humor

Bubba

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,

"Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies

fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants
fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all
them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she
was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he
gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin’. . What I want to know is, kin I sue

Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Leroy and Missy

Leroy and missy were riding down the hi-way on Leroy’s Motorcycle, Leroy had long hair and it was blowing tickling Missy’s face.

Leroy was riding going fast about 80 mph, when missy said Leroy! Leroy couldn’t hear her.

He kept going faster, missy said Leroy! Leroy I am cold, Leroy just kept riding, Missy reaches up and just whops Leroy beside the head, and Leroy stops the Motorcycle, turns around and said what!
Missy says I am cold.

Now Leroy is a thinker so he says I know.
He takes her leather jacket off and turns the jacket around backwards, flips the collar up, looks at missy and says you won’t be cold no more.

Leroy gets back up to about 80 mph and all of a sudden he hits something and crashes.

Here comes the Police, walking up saying, what is going on here what happened to these folks, A little boy standing over by the way side says, mister Leroy was killed out right, but Missy was ok till we tried to turn her head around.

The Drunk and the Preacher

The Drunk and the Preacher
One day the good Reverend was driving down this back road, when he come up behind a drunk, the preacher thinks well I will just ride back here for a bit then pass him, the drunk would go from one side of the road to the other.
The preacher thought, good lord, this person is drunk I had better go around him.

Well the preacher would take off and try to pass and the drunk would move over to the preachers side, the preacher would drop back, after a while the preacher gets very frustrated, He just floors the gas pedal, takes off and crashes.

The drunk comes wobbling up to the preachers car, looks around and says are you ok preacher? The preacher responded; yes thank goodness the Good lord was riding with me.
The drunk looks at the preacher and says, preacher you had better let him ride with me, you are gonna kill him

Kids Are Funny 1

One day a little boy ask his sister, in a gruff voice he ask, hey sister how come I talk this way?
His sister answers, and says I don’t know you have to ask Mom.

So the little boy goes to the garage where his mom is changing the oil (in this day and time I didn’t want to put mom in the kitchen)in the family car, with a gruff voice he ask, hey mom how come I talk this way? His mom said I don’t know son maybe you should ask your Dad.

Well the Young boy goes to the Kitchen (yeah washing dishes) lol. He says to his Dad, Dad do you know how come I talk this way? His Dad says I am sorry son but I don’t know.
Well! Now the young boy is very disappointed, he goes out the front door walking down the sidewalk; he comes across the milkman delivering milk to his house,
HE ASK IN A GRUFF VOICE, Mr. Milkman do you know why I talk this way.

The milkman says to the little boy in a gruff voice, shut up boy, you trying to get me in trouble. lol

Kids are funny

The kids and I went fishing with Barbara (sister) and Macky (Brother in Law) in the Gulf of Mexico. Macky and Barbara went one way and we went the opposite.
After about 5 hours of trout fishing Macky realized we had drifted out of sight of each other,
Macky called on the marine radio and asked for our location, Irene my daughter who was only about 7 years old answered the call.
Irene looked all around and only saw water. Not able to fine another boat or landmark she replied.
“We are directly under the Sun"
Now that is true and funny.
Donald

Old men still think

An elderly farmer man in Florida had owned a large Orange grove for years.
In the back of the grove was a large Pond, he built picnic tables,a grill,and horseshoe courts, a very nice area. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some oranges.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing splashing of water.
As he came closer , he noticed a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the other end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man grined and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
I just came to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.


Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."